I got the question yesterday, “Well, Tanya, I see you writing and posting so much about Desire. Am I just supposed to take off and head to Brazil (or whatever that place may be) and leave the kids? Leave my responsibilities?”
Although I answered the question for her yesterday (I hope), I still thought it might be a good topic of discussion and maybe it would answer some of your questions, too.
To me, this question broaches on the difference between “Whim” and “Desire”.
- The thing is, when we are truly in tune with our Desires (which can be a complicated thing at times for women~ for more see my blog “Desire & women: Biting into the proverbial apple”), they are usually things that are great for everybody, at least in the long run, and, they are good for us; they usually require dedication, passion, commitment to bring into true fruition and not just stay in the realm of fantasy. Just think about the most basic desire: bodily, sexual desire. If you’re not using birth control (and even if you are, sometimes), the result of that desire may be a child. Perhaps you chose that desire consciously and you are prepared, ready, expecting, welcoming of that child and all that it brings with it of work, responsibility, and sacrifice. But, perhaps you are not. Perhaps you even resent your own desires and their outcomes and results.
Some cleaning up to do there with your own Relationship with Desire (most of us have some work, at least to do there).
Just like falling in love can be~ according to Jung and many other psychologists~ the only way a person would ever really intertwine itself with another and have to learn and grow from this person and relationship, so our desires stretch us and grow us into the (new and) full people we are meant to be.
For example, my desire to own a business and to help women who may be in similar situations or who could benefit from hearing some of my own experiences and tools, stretches and grows me. It may not always be easy for me to show up and write content, to be comfortable in all facets of my business…but this is how I grow. If I only stayed in my comfort zone, I wouldn’t taste the satisfaction of giving myself my desires, but I also would not grow.
All moms can truly grasp the idea of how the desire for a child stretches and grows you. Even partners/wives/girlfriends get how a desire for intimate partnership~at the same time that it satiates your desire~ stretches and grows you.
Last but not least, another example, with food. Food is a healthy desire for us to have~ hunger. Food should also grow us…but –perfect example—there has to be the right balance between desire and growth. If we keep choosing super high fat/sugar foods that “grow” us too much, this is going to be a lopsided ratio. We have to question or re-think our desire: why are we desiring this? What are we really desiring? When we choose foods that are healthy for us, naturally we find that they are the right ratio of growth and desire. We desire these foods, and we also grow from them. Same with relationships, business desires, and more. We desire them, we love them, and we are nourished by them and kept in a state of expansion, rather than contraction.
Does all of this make sense? Any questions here?
- I want to introduce a second point here: when I mentioned the difference between a whim & a desire above…So, as most of you already know, I believe that we all have many different archetypes within.The archetype of the Good Girl and the Archetype of the “Naughty” Girl both live within us. This is one thing my former coach really did show me the importance of, both in business and life. Now, you could connect this concept with our topic from a couple of weeks ago: victhimhood to empowerment. The Good Girl is a People Pleaser. She is responsible, organized, aims to please others, and serve. The Naughty Girl is full of pleasure, pleasure-seeking, adventure, a natural risk-taker, she is magnetic, knows her desires, and fun. Both, as you can see, have shadow and light aspects. It is important that we demonize neither, we honor both, and integrate the positive aspects into our lives.
What ends up happening in our society, in our culture, is that the “Good Girl” is emphasized SO much, that we end up neglecting—no, shoving—the Naughty Girl into the closet or to the side. Then, we end up ignoring our true desires and our own pleasure, only catering to those around us. What can then happen is all we want to do is binge eat on our “whims”—empty desires that do not really lead us to growth, or at least not natural or sustainable growth. Make sense? Can you relate?
When we nurture both our Good Girl and our Naughty Girl, then they are a Team. They work together. They keep one another in check & balance.
When we are too much in one or the other, we feel repressed in some way. If we ignore our Naughty Girl, at some point she will want to destroy things. If we ignore our Good Girl, we will feel guilty all the time about the good things we do for ourselves.
Responsibility and Play. Desire & Commitment/Responsibility. Both are required to live a life of fullness, balance, and of the Queen Archetype.
We can’t just eat whatever we want, whenever we want, and be totally satisfied. At times we have to be mindful of what we are eating, give some thought, bring awareness and consciousness to it. This type of inner work and reflection about what is good for us…will bring us to make good choices and utilize our Desires as information, rather than simply chase our desires from a place of addiction or fear.
Being in balance with our “Naughty” girl allows us to make playful, fun choices that are incorporated into a grander, healthier life scheme. When we are operating strictly from our Desires and these are more now like whims, then we are not really making an effort for our desires, and this will not, in the long-run, bring us much satisfaction. That is simply how we are wired.